why is a smile a mystery

ieioerioerio

2008-02-12T17:31:58Z

I seem to have developed this innate ability to remember exact days everything changed.

hgfhireiore

2007-07-31T14:59:43Z

Ah, the comfort of tradition.

I haven't looked at my "info" on this site in a long time, and having just done so, I noticed one of my interests being "my boyfriend". I'll keep that there, just for the amusing reason that I haven't used that term in over a year and a half now.

rrirepoiry

2007-05-13T07:21:22Z

When you think about it, "mixed feelings" is a pretty ridiculous term. When was the last time I, or anyone else for that matter, had one solid feeling about anything or anyone? Feelings are meant to be mixed.

ffehwoiuefuheu

2007-05-03T01:08:16Z

It had to be done before I left NY...I had my palm read today.
AND, I haggled. For half the price. I know, you're in awe.
This is mainly for my own memory, but feel free to read and judge.
Long, strong life line. Many personalities, most of which are positive. Two love lines, I've already loved once, but it was "puppy love", the next will come around in 3 years, and that will be the "soulmate" and the one whose children I'll have. Names with N and T hold meaning for me. My job will be with people, and it will be hard for me to remove myself from it, it will make me stronger and I'll have to learn to work with my mind and not with my heart. Illness has been in my family, and it still impacts my heart negatively. I like the activity of New York, but as a whole it overwhelms me...I need to take time for myself, and find a balance.
Hm.

deieieiwijwer

2007-04-30T23:10:46Z

Uh-oh, here comes a rant...
I’ve been aware of its approach for some time now, but today it seems like it came of so fast…my last class at NYU.
I can’t say it’s hit me all that hard. With all the stress that this school has caused me academically the last few weeks, and will continue to cause me for one more, I’m glad to be done with at least one academic aspect. However, this does mark the impending end of my time in NY.
I’m not going to deny it, I am feeling much more of a…I don’t know, I guess an empty feeling when it comes to thinking about not coming back here. It’s not so much that I’m going to miss the school; I, as well as several other students I’ve discussed this with have come to the conclusion that NYU’s reputation is, in the majority based on it’s glamorous location. This isn’t to say that it’s not a quality school, but it is nowhere near the ranks of an Ivy League school as people tend to place it. In fact, unless you’re a theater/film student (a Tischie) or a Business student (a Sternie), the school doesn’t seem to give you very much attention at all—in the context of New York, what are you going to do with your life that’s all that exciting for them to waste their time on you? A social worker definitely does not deserve extra attention. And it’s not really that I’m going to miss the people; I can count the people whose company I enjoy here probably on two hands, and the genuine, always-there-for-you, will-take-care-of-you-when-you’re-crying-or-drunk, can-tell-everything friends on, well…one finger. So, what is there that I am going to miss, you may ask yourself? Well, I can’t say I don’t adore this city. The Broadway shows, Italian bakeries, Mexican restaurants, street performers, bars, clubs, buildings, parks…virtually all the things you think of when you picture New York, are just amazing as you would think they were. So yes, I am going to miss those things.
This is a decision I have gone back and forth on MANY times throughout the course of this school year. When I came here, it was my escape, my chance to be the one person who got out, to experience this amazing city and be the envy of everyone. Well, I suppose I got that wish, because many people seem to be extremely upset with me for “giving this up”. Alright, thank you, I get it, you think I’m making the wrong decision. Maybe I am going to come back and three weeks into it, I will hate myself for making this decision and always think of it as the biggest mistake of my life. However, I don’t think it’s fair of anyone to judge me until they have done this for themselves. When you have removed yourself from everyone and everything you know, move to a city that you’ve never been to, too far away and too expensive for anyone you know to come and visit you, rarely receive a phone call from anyone from home, have to find out about the hopitalization of relatives and death of pets from 1,000 miles away, then I will respect your opinion, because you will be able to handle far more than I could. Wait, no, scratch that. Add in the fact that you’re paying nearly $50,000 to do so, using up all the money your mother left you for college AND getting yourself on your feet after college within the first 2 or 3 years, despite before her dying her telling you it might be smarter to go to a less expensive school, feeling immense amounts of guilt for leaving your ten-year-old sister to be raised by your alcoholic dad when she probably misses your mom more than you do, and you KNOW how terrible things were when you started middle school, having a group roommates with no respect for one another for you or each other, two moving out before the end of the year and two barely speaking to you, certainly not making an attempt to get to know you because you’re from middle America, and everyone knows you’re just a bunch of hicks with no money, so called friends choosing those with more exciting personalities or continuing to hang out with you, but simply treating you like garbage, and everyone in your classes being so pretentious and self-righteous, yet never having experienced anything real. Oh, and not being able to travel anywhere alone after dark, no one ever wanting to do anything but sit in their rooms and smoke pot, and those clubs and Broadway shows costing probably around $50 minimum. THEN we can discuss your judgments.
Not an ounce of me regrets coming here. I think if I hadn’t, I never would have forgiven myself. However, this is not the place for me. You may think I’m coming back to Milwaukee because I’m scared, I’m weak, I’m homesick, I’m stupid…it may be a little bit of all of those. But what I’ve always been told is that college was the place where you become something, where you find yourself…and I don’t like who I am here. Many of you feel like you’re trapped in Milwaukee…well back there I have people who care about me, the ability to be there when someone needs me, and the money to, well, do ANYTHING, including traveling so that I don’t end up feeling trapped. In addition to that, either one of the schools I’ll be going to in the fall accepts far more IB credits than NYU, meaning I’ll probably be there 2, 2 ½ years max. If I’m back to hating it again by then, there’s always grad school.
This isn’t meant to be an attack on anyone for expressing their opinions about my leaving here, or an attempt to make everyone feel sorry for me for having the amazing opportunity to come here and live this for a year. It is simply an attempt to shed some light on why, exactly, I’m “giving this up”. I doubt many made it through to the end, but if you did, I hope it helped to explain my decision, and I will see most of you in a week or so.

eriiweieteippwr

2007-04-13T05:24:55Z

Fucking Crazy Lauren, thank you for moving out, and leaving plenty of garbage in your wake.
Beauty & The Beast, I will always love you.
Bar, you sucked.
Party, you sucked.
MB, stop having a girlfriend and not having my number and then telling me you wanted to hang out tonight.

efkreiurinhg

2007-04-04T13:13:49Z

The less you expect to have everything go your way, the better off you'll be.

...and now I'm quoting horoscopes. Greaaat.

ifiioewoirior

2007-04-02T03:43:44Z

Despite the turbulence and still not being able to hear out of one ear, flying over and through clouds has to be one of my favorite feelings in the world.

In other news, while at first annoying, I have to thank the aggressive men waiting outside of the airport to convince me to share a luxury car for $35 instead of waiting in line to take a cab for $30, becauuuuse I got to share a cab with a BEAUTIFUL architect who made conversation with me the whole way home and definitely did not think I was a college student. Not that I even got his name or anything. Ha.

grsioriireietio

2007-04-01T16:48:46Z

For every one person in Milwaukee that frustrates the hell out of me, there are 10 to lay around with on a Saturday night drinking rootbeer floats and playing MarioKart. And that's why I love it.

boeworj

2007-03-28T03:03:37Z

Here's to it being 75 degrees here today, maragaritas at 3 in the afternoon, and an extremely cheap flight that allows me to come home this weekend and celebrate the birthday of one of my favorite ladies.

dwiei

2007-03-26T03:42:21Z

Fantasy love is much better than reality love. Never doing it is very exciting. The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet.

kjdgjjenririoi

2007-03-26T00:34:30Z

Boston was a much needed escape. Despite spending a lot of money I didn't have, not getting any sleep, being harassed by crazy homeless people, and the insane Chinese bus rides, I feel so much more relaxed now. Remind me to escape to cities where I don't have to deal with people from NY aside from Vicky, don't have to stress out about whatever's going on back home, don't have the internet to pull me into situations I have no control over, and don't have any commitments more often.
When I got back to my dorm and was walking into my room, I heard someone say "Hey Berres!". I stuck my head back into the hallway, and it was one of the boys who has made me the most miserable in my time here. He came up to me and said "This is going to sound weird, but, can I have a hug? I know this is probably too late, but I really am sorry for being such a jackass, and while I'm probably going to continue to be a jackass, I want you to know I'm sorry for making things hard for you." Yeah, too little too late, but it's nice to see that someone realizes they're not a nice person and that it does in fact matter if they hurt other people. Ah well. 6 more weeks.

opoprropjriioj

2007-03-23T12:58:50Z

10:30pm - Vicky, Lauren and I go to a Mexican restuarant for college night. Unfortunately, they ID at the bar. Not a problem for Vicky or me, but indeed one for Lauren. Thus, we order wings and one margarita each. We're charged a dollar a wing and 14 dollars for a margarita. And there goes the 20 dollars of spending money I allowed myself.

12:00am - Both of them only slightly buzzed and me not feeling a thing, we head back to the dorm. Given the option of spending more money or calling it a night, we all head back to our rooms. Lauren decides to use the bathroom to make loud phonecalls to her boyfriend. Full of margarita, I go down to Vicky's room, where she informs me Jake wants to go to a poetry reading at the park. Considering it's nice out, still relatively early, and Moulin Rouge having drilled the loveliness of poetry readings into my mind the past few days, I decide to come in spite of Lauren's bitchy comments and looks.

12:30am - We reach the park and there are a good amount of people standing underneath the arch. A boy I was involved with at the beginning of the year once told me if an NYU student goes underneath the arch, they won't graduate. I laughed it off at the moment, but look at me now. When people start reading, I think to myself, maybe if I had been sociable and done things like this from the start, I'd want to stay here. Cue the wistfulness. Just then, a youngish man, probably mid-40s, in a wheelchair and missing a foot, approaches the group and asks for change and help writing letters to the government. A few kids give him change, and as soon as he moves on, they all crack up and start making jokes about him. NYU in a nutshell--all depth and poetry, and not an ounce of compassion for somebody real. I head back to Rubin in a bad mood, and crawl into bed at around quarter to 2.

3:00am- I wake up to the mattress above me creaking. I blow it off as Adam, our gay friend from down the hall, drunkenly unable to get into his room and thus staying with Rebecca. I drift back off to sleep. A short time later, I wake up to a male voice--"Rebecca don't touch that! There's puke on it." The side of my comforter is wet, and all Rebecca's blankets are on the floor. Apparently 6 shots and 3 beers ruined her club hook-up. She continues puking for a good hour, and her friends are nowhere to be found. Better yet, the guy she brought home? An RA. After cleaning her up and finding her friends, I finally fall back asleep at around 4:30.

7:30am - Wake up! The building's on fire.

Thank you NYU, for trying your hardest to increase my dislike for you 10fold in a 12 hour period.

onewayconvo @ 2007-03-22T13:36:00

2007-03-22T17:40:52Z

With half a laugh of hearty zest
I strip me of my coat and vest.
Then heeding not the frigid air
I fling away my underwear.
So having nothing else to doff,
I rip my epidermis off.
More secrets to acquaint you with
I pare my bones to strips of pith.
And when the exposure is done
I hang, a cobweb skeleton.
While you sit there aloof, remote,
And will not shed your overcoat.

eoewopwe

2007-03-21T23:27:33Z

I finished my transfer applications for Marquette and UWM last night...for the most part, I feel good about that.
However, I am going to miss
The pet store with puppies in the window
Living on the 11th floor and being able to see the Empire State Building from my window
Vicky and our Wednesday night wine and lost parties

ewewopopew

2007-03-21T02:22:25Z

We could steal time, just for one day.

ioiogrgioioer

2007-03-19T19:30:31Z

I suppose if everything worked out perfectly, it wouldn't be very entertaining, now would it?

choprepoeroo

2007-03-16T16:27:44Z

Hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

sioreieiwe

2007-03-10T10:12:53Z

"Supposed to" and "Should be"...what meaningless terms.

kltwpt4opwtoptw4

2007-03-05T05:24:22Z

Same script over and over again, we just take turns in the different roles.

Nobody wants what's good for them.

feefieoppowfefew

2007-02-25T05:43:16Z

I just want to feel some sunshine
I just want to find some place to be alone

ewrereopoe

2007-02-23T17:27:30Z

I always still hope the things I'll never say.

ngirieropitiojr

2007-02-23T06:20:17Z

When coming home from a shitty bar, there's nothing better than Batman Returns on TV.
At least there's some good to even out the bad. Ugh.

kggkrikregioerio

2007-02-21T18:34:18Z

You know what's awesome?
Puking all night and being hooked up to an IV all day.
Hell. Yes.

gjjgrjrgreoirgoiegrop

2007-02-16T06:56:39Z

Hello, I miss you quite terribly.